American talk show host (1947- )
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Nov. 1, 2011
At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, September 9, 2014
Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 3, 2014
Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 14, 2014
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, December 12, 2014
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, Quotable Quotes: Wit and Wisdom from the Greatest Minds of Our Time
Paul Revere had a time capsule. They opened it up after a couple of hundred years, and guess what they found? A stack of love letters from Barbara Walters.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 7, 2015
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Aug. 20, 2012
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations
British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may have to start drilling for water.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Night with David Letterman, 2010
You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time on Twitter", The Late Show
Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, September 29, 2014
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, August 27, 2014
If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Letterman Lets His Guard Down", Esquire, December 1994
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Night with David Letterman, March 5, 1993
Should I spend the extra twenty bucks for the sideburns?
DAVID LETTERMAN
"Top Ten Things to Consider Before Buying a Hairpiece", The Late Show
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, November 7, 2014