JAY LENO QUOTES III
American comedian & television host (1950- )
We should make politicians dress like race car drivers -- when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 2, 2009
The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 7, 2011
Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
An intruder broke into Mike Tyson's hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don't know what's scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you're sleeping or breaking into someone else's room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 9, 2012
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 8, 2011
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 26, 2011
Knowing the answer in class didn't really come easily to me. I was dyslexic, so school was never my favorite place. I was especially terrible in math. I used to put my hand up in class and ask my teacher, "Where did mathematics come from?" He would turn red. "You're not fooling anyone, Mr. Leno. Your annoying question is intended to take us off the subject; you don't care where mathematics came from!" The same teacher once wrote on my report card, "If Jay spent as much time studying as he did trying to be a comedian, he'd be a star." That confuses me to this day. How was I going to become a star without trying to be a comedian? Maybe he meant I could be some kind of math star? No thanks.
JAY LENO
Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World
Here's the latest from the Pentagon -- the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 22, 2009
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, December 23, 2009
A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a nation that's science and chemistry illiterate. And you thought a lot of meth labs are blowing up now?
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 31, 2012
Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 6, 2012
In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren't allowed to associate with known felons.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, July 8, 2013
Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, May 4, 2011
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush.... At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, May 12, 2006
Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 30, 2011
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 4, 2011
I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.
JAY LENO
Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World
According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 10, 2012
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 27, 2011
Supporters of Osama bin Laden want to rename the Arabian Sea after bin Laden's death. They want to call it "Martyr's Sea." Please, hiding in your bedroom for six years with the blinds closed? How about "Chicken of the Sea?"
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, May 6, 2011