American cartoonist (1957- )
Stem cells are like toenail clippings with a better career plan.
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.
SCOTT ADAMS
Dogbert
When did ignorance become a point of view?
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.
SCOTT ADAMS
The Dilbert Principle
I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.
SCOTT ADAMS
Dilbert 2.0: 20 Years of Dilbert
I keep hearing the argument that some things are constitutional while other things are not. The idea is that we should be in favor of all the things that were decided over two hundred years ago by a bunch of slave-owning cross-dressers who pooped in holes.
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
I believe everybody in the world should have guns. I also believe that only I should have ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of you goobers with anything more dangerous than a string.
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.
SCOTT ADAMS
Dilbert
You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude.
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.
SCOTT ADAMS
God's Debris: A Thought Experiment
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
The government runs the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.
SCOTT ADAMS
Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland
They say that God is watching everyone all the time, so he'd always get to see his jokes play out. If so, he's laughing his butt off, assuming God has a butt, which is unlikely, since butts are also an obvious practical joke.
SCOTT ADAMS
Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.
SCOTT ADAMS
The Dilbert Principle
Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.
SCOTT ADAMS
Dilbert's Guide to the Rest of Your Life: Dispatches from Cubicleland
If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.
SCOTT ADAMS
Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel
Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.
SCOTT ADAMS
attributed, Dictionary of Quotations